Infertility is such an interesting struggle

Infertility is such an interesting struggle...
... particularly in relation to God. Here's my story...

I had an awful childhood. Yes it could have been much worse. I wasn't sexually abused. We weren't homeless. But there wasn't a lot about my childhood that I would categorize as positive. All I knew was chaos and unrest. And that insecurity, as the oldest of three, manifested itself in me as the need to control everything. I remember being the one, at age 7, who made sure my younger brother and sister wore their jackets on cold mornings to school. My grandmother confirms my memories, that because of my mother's mental illness, I had to be the "mother" in the household from the time I was born. My parents officially becoming divorced when I was in 8th grade was truly the best thing that ever happened to me, in my childhood. Life made a step change, but was still eons from the kind of home you'd ever place a child in. My alcoholic and physically and emotionally abusive dad was struggling with issues of his own and just wasn't what he needed to be... sometimes because of who he was and his own childhood, but mostly because he was drunk. The summer after 10th grade I was selected for Governor's School for clarinet, and spent a glorious 6 week period at a small college with about 300 other students. That 6 weeks was revelational to me. It challenged me in many ways, for example I was one of a few Christians there. I was put to the test -- did I believe what I believed because it was pumped in me (no....), or because I truly believed it? And if I did believe it, on what grounds? But more importantly to me at the time, it showed me how happy I could be if I were away from my awful homelife. That 6 weeks gave me the fuel I needed to get through the next two years of high school and off to college. College... I was finally on my own.

As a student, I was always perfect. I was valedictorian. I was first chair clarinet the last two years of high school. I was president of every club I could get into. "I" controlled everything. I went off to college, and there was transition -- it was a lot of work to go to school for engineering... but I was used to work. I made it through, and we found jobs at the same company in a town and state that we were beyond pleased with. "I" succeeded, graduated from college, landed a great job... "I" was getting myself OUT of that mess of a childhood I couldn't wait to get away from. "I" was in control -- the opposite of my childhood, and "I" was making it happen "MY" way.

So, like everything else I'd ever attempted in my life, I expected to become the "pet" employee at my new job. I'd do amazing work, and things would just be great. But, it didn't work out that way. This could be a novel in and of itself... but my supervisor was not the "best" for my particular personality or situation... and he was much too much like my dad... it was a very strange situation. They also placed me immediately out in the plant, with no mentor, and no guidance. It was not a situation where I could have easily succeeded. I won't go into it in any more detail (although there's plenty there to tell), but no matter how hard I tried, matter how many hours I put in, no matter how much they "liked" me as a person, I wasn't cutting the mustard to Mr. Supervisor's expectations. I failed. I'd gone to school for four years for chemical engineering, and I couldn't do it. I wasn't good at it, I hated it. I cried every day I drove home. I sat through biweekly meetings, one on one with my supervisor, biting the sides of my cheeks to keep from crying. It was torture. And I was in utter NON-control... I didn't know how to handle it.

After about a year and a half, through much struggle, prayer and study, I realized that God was breaking me. I had asked Him to do so about six months into my job -- I was doing a bible study at the time and that spoke to my heart. However, THIS was not the way I expected God to do the breaking. "I" was the valedictorian. "I" was the one who did everything perfect. "I" was the excellent one. "I" am in control. And all the sudden one day I realized, no, it was not "I"... it was God. God gave me the talents I posses, and I was taking all the credit. Intellectually, I would have given God credit... but in my heart, I knew that "I" had earned all those things. When I finally made this humble confession, and allowed God to break me fully to come to a complete understanding of my dependence on Him, things got a little better at work. Things got a lot better with God.

God had shown me that my value, my worth as a person, had nothing to do with making straight A's, perfecting musical instruments, how well I performed my job, how well everyone liked me. He loves me unconditionally, for who I am, for who He created me to be. This need to control my life made me SOOO want to earn my grace. I could not intellectually or in my heart separate the two. But you cannot earn grace. No matter how "good" I was, it's never good enough for God, and He had to break me in this way to get it through to my thick skull.

About a year later, I really felt God tugging at my heart. Although every single day was not torture, I did not like "working" in corporate America. The super achiever in me had died. I wanted to do something that "affected" people's lives -- not save money for a corporation. "Hey C -- this distillation column's upset and we need help to figure out what's wrong!" Ugh! I so didn't care. I totally lost interest in the chemical engineering. I was drawn to the operator's lives. I wanted to how R's relationship with his wife was, and how life after the new baby was affecting G's life, and I wanted to help D get promoted to team manger, and teach the new operators how to use excel and PI. Unfortunately, that wasn't what they were paying me for. I also felt God convicting my heart that my first priority was to be wife. And I totally put "wife" as the last item on my todo list. Not consciously of course, but that's how it worked out. Our church did a series on Titus 2... I read Rocking the Roles by Robert Lewis. I was seeking God's truths about the wives relationship wholeheartedly. And we realized that God was calling us to make a radical move.

We decided I would stop working, I would stop being a corporate america professional. My call to be wife took priority, and with the time I had left I wanted to spend volunteering with our church, and in other organizations that impacted people's lives. I wanted to invest in the people's lives around us, not just "get through" each week. So in December 2004, I "retired" from chemical engineering. A lot of people asked, "so is it time for a family?" well, no, it wasn't. I still wasn't ready for that move. A lot of people thought we were crazy. We were cutting our household income in half. And for me to just stay home... and not have kids... inconceivable. But now, almost a year and a half later, it was the best thing we've eve done in our marriage.

Perhaps there are women out there who can do both, and I commend them. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. I take my role as wife very seriously, and I cannot do it the way it deserves, and work at a "job" away from the home. I'm not saying that people can't... I'm saying that "I" couldn't. I think this was yet another way that God was breaking my control and helping me to acknowledge in my heart who was in control.

As a surprise to both of us, six months into my "retirement" I decided I was ready to have a child. I totally didn't expect it. It was like one day I realized, I was okay with it... I wasn't scared anymore. I wasn't scared of screwing it up, like I felt my parents had done to me and my siblings. My husband had been ready for a while, and he was thrilled I was finally on board. He hadn't told me in words that he was ready, but I could tell. But we knew I had PCOS, and that we were probably in for the long haul.

So we visited my doctor, and he wanted me to try a few cycles on my own just to see. Then we'd start glucophage (metformin) and see from there if we'd been unsuccessful. Through another terrible struggle, we found out I had PCOS in September of 2003, almost two years earlier. I can't imagine what it would have been like to find out I had in in the midst of trying to conceive. I praise God that He allowed us to prepare our hearts for two years about my condition, and that we went into it with full knowledge of the situation. We didn't' have to go through the obligatory one year time period before being diagnosed with a problem.

Well, unconsciously at the time, I distanced myself from it. I think I viewed it a little bit like something I was trying to achieve. But I was terrified of failure now, now that I've tasted it so fully with my "career." So in order to protect myself, I treated it like, "God will grant it in His timing." I didn't really pray about it. I didn't really overly think about it. It was terribly disheartening to go cycle after cycle (notice not "month" after "month"), with my husband so excited, waiting to see the results of the test, to find that yet again, it's a no. I didn't want to "hurt" about it, so I let my intellectualness use that "in His timing" phrase... it was my scapegoat. I think it was in January that I realized that I'd never even ASKED God to give us a child... I had never even asked... I was just sitting there silently, waiting for the gift to pop in my lap...

So I prayed for it after that. And I was SHOCKED at how HARD it was for me to pray that.. I knew that we are all a work in progress, but I felt like with the whole failing at working thing I'd overcome this sense of self entitlement, this pride... But it hurt like none other to pray to God that I wanted a child, acknowledging that it WAS His timing. It was like that token phrase "in His timing" was some catch phrase in a foreign language that I didn't even comprehend. I realized at that point that "I" was actually still trying to control this conceiving thing... I was trusting in the doctors and the medicines to "fix" my body so "I" could make a baby. I also led a bible study with our church on Kay Arthur's book Lord I Want to Know You on the names of God. Learning about Elohim, God as Creator, and Jehovah-rapha, God who Heals, was so timely... so "God did it"... Looking back I can so see His hand in all of this, and the timing of it all.

Learning these attributes of His character was revelational to me in our fertility struggle, but also in my personal relationship with Him. That study will forever be one of my favorites. It made me realize that no matter what, it is God who creates ALL life. Every single one of us is here because God created our life. When you're trying to make a baby, you start to think that YOU are making it. But it is God who remains in control, and it is God who breathes life into that little baby the instant it is created. As much as I could have intellectually wrapped my hands around this during our struggle, it wasn't until 9 months in that I truly accepted this in my heart. God could use the doctors as His instruments, but if He chose not to bless us with children, then we wouldn't have them, and it would be in His infinite wisdom and ultimately for our best and for His glory. Coming to terms with this was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I finally had a peace about the situation.

It wasn't that I no longer wanted a baby. But I was finally, after all those months of struggling against God's tug at my heart, able to totally let go and rest on God. What utter joy! You can't describe the feeling with words -- it doesn't do it justice. I could freely tell God how much I wanted it but that I knew His timing and His will were perfect. Of course I had bad days. And the times when others announced they were pregnant, left and right it seemed, were rough. The constant barrage of pregnancy stuff, from celebrities, or commercials to magazine articles in non-women magazines, was annoying and hurtful at times. But I could remind myself where my heart truly lies, and rest in that wonderful peace.

In early February, I read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I don't' want to spoil it for anyone who might actually read it (I so recommend it -- I have such a better understanding of God's unconditional love and my utter depravity and need for it from reading this work of fiction), so I won't go into detail here. But I finished the book on Feb 10. I went upstairs to our bedroom alone, and I prayed on my bed for God to open my womb. I felt so silly saying it, and I told God so. But I told Him how it was He alone who could do that, and how I wanted Him to, and how I needed Him. The next morning was day 25 in my cycle. The last day I planned to use an ovulation detection strip. I got up, peed in the cup, dipped my stick, went to clean up the bedroom while I waited for the results. I went back in to throw away my stick, fully expecting to see nothing, as I had every other day for nine months... but there was LINE. I screamed. A real, true line. I had an LH surge. It didn't mean that I'd ovulate. It didn't mean that even if I did, that we'd get pregnant.

But I kid you not, the very next morning after my prayer, I had that line. I think I ovulated on Feb 12. On Feb 28, we had our appt at the doctor to see what to do next. I'd been on glucophage for 2.5 cycles, 3.5 months, and it was time to think clomid or whatever else. Feb 28 was exactly 15 days after I ovulated. I took three pregnancy tests before that day... they all were negative. When the doc came in, I told him I "could" be pregnant, and he had me take a test. 10 minutes later, the nurse returned with our positive test. The appt was now null and void, but were were pregnant...

I tell you all of this, because as I started this "Infertility is such an interesting struggle... particularly in relation to God.", I realize now that God had to get me in the right place with Him, before I was ready to have children. I "thought" I was broken before. But I was only partway there. He had to do a number on my pride, and teach me through various things,who He is. I'm thankful for the way it happened. I'm thankful for our time of trying. It makes all of this that much more special to me. I can look back now and see, I'm so glad it didn't happen any sooner than it is.

In the moment, that is hard to see. But after all of this, and where God has brought me now, and where we are in fellowship, I can truly say His timing IS perfect, and His will is perfect. Without these terrible struggles in my life, I would still be trying to make it "on my own." Now I have a Redeemer, who gives me strength each day to fight the battle laid before me.