Submission

My pastor asked for some feedback for an upcoming sermon. This is what I sent.

1 Peter 3
(v1) In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any {of them} are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, (v2) as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. (v3) Your adornment must not be {merely} external--braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; (v4) but {let it be} the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. (v5) For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; (v6) just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.


1. The word “submission” can elicit some strong reactions in our independent culture. What images (positive or negative) do you think of when you hear that word?

I despised the word ‘submission’ before I understood the biblical meaning of the word. Submission implied inferior. Less than. Below. Not as important. Not as capable. Not as valuable. Insignificant, really. Unfair. Unjust. Unnecessary. Compliant. Opinionless. And I didn’t feel I was those things. I felt equal. And I suppose that is how I approached it earlier in our marriage. We were equals.

It wasn’t until I read Rocking the Roles that the true meaning of submission solidified in my mind. Robert Lewis helped me to realize that before God we are equal, but that does not mean we are the same. We are both of equal value and importance to God. But the most important insight from this book for me was that my “role” was not submission. My “role” is Nurturer. Now I see submission as an act of honor and affirmation to my husband. My submission is a response to Shawn’s God-ordained position as head of my family. My submission to his leadership empowers him to lead our family in a servant-leader manner. My submission communicates to my husband that I believe in him and am proud of him.


2. Have you ever seen men use power poorly in a marriage? How do you think those stories might affect your feelings the word “submission?”

I haven’t personally. I think this may be less of an issue for those who grew up when I did. Women were taught you were just as good as a man and could do anything a man could. So allowing yourself to become involved with a man who wasn’t going to allow an “equal” voice wouldn’t likely happen. More likely for those my age, I think, is the refusal on the woman’s side to be submissive, rather than the man’s insistence on domination.


3. What fears do women have about submitting to their husbands?

Although I believe in biblical submission, and try to practice it, I’m still not very good at it! It’s a daily struggle. It’s easy when I agree, but not so easy at all when I don’t.

I fear having no say. I fear not being taken seriously. I fear being considered inferior. I fear being considered unintelligent or unwise or stupid (which I know is pride). I fear being considered just a cook and a maid. I fear being dominated. I fear being taken advantage of or manipulated. I fear going down a path I feel is wrong or foolish and being powerless to stop it. I fear not being in control. I don’t want to be a silent wallflower. And yet, I don’t want to be a domineering, controlling woman.

(I must clarify that none of these fears are a result of ANYTHING my husband has done. There are more “inherent” to me being a woman.)


4. As you’ve embraced the concept of Biblical submission in your marriage, have you found that this cramps your intellect? Do you feel free to disagree with your husband?

I certainly feel free to disagree with my husband! He has done a wonderful job of seeking my input in decisions as well as just asking my opinion on topics of discussion. He has created an environment where I know he welcomes and values my view. He makes me feel that he “needs” my contribution intellectually. He has never, ever made me feel that I need to agree with him.

Actually, my problem is that I can’t handle it when he disagrees with me. I relentlessly try to persuade him to my “side,” which I recognize as a way in which I am not submitting to him.


5. Husbands are going to goof... “Even the best of men are men at best.” What is it like for you to submit to a leader who isn’t ever going to be perfect? What affect has this dynamic had on your faith in the Lord? On your relationship with your husband?

Wasn’t it Bill Cosby who said something like “I’m not the head of my home. I don’t know when I lost it. But I’ve seen that job. And I don’t want it!” (referring to the daily taking care of the workings of the home front, not the “role” of head).

I totally embrace the concept of submission now. I don’t WANT his role! I am painfully aware of my own propensity to make mistakes. The older I get, the more difficult it is to actually make decisions. And if Shawn ever “goofs”, I remind myself how much worse off we’d be if I had been making the decisions! I think a huge key to submission is the “no matter what.” I will follow you, no matter what. I will follow you, whether you made the right call, or the wrong call. I don’t keep score. You aren’t earning your right to be head. You are head. And I will follow.

Right now I try very hard to fight the urge to ever say or even imply “I told you so.” I support him, independent of the results of his leadership. And he does the same. If he makes a decision based on my opinion, and it was wrong, he doesn’t come back and point that out. And that is very, very freeing.

I suppose this has helped me to further depend on God and relinquish my own control. Although I intellectually know that God is in control, I still hold the reins really, really tight. When it is not me in the driver’s seat, I must rely on God. It has helped me see through the illusion of my control, to allow someone else to be in charge of the big decisions in our life.

As far as my relationship with my husband, I think giving him the freedom to make a mistake allows him to be a servant-leader. He is willingly able to practice the motto die-to-live. He has a fervent desire to do so. Because he knows he is unconditionally supported, accepted, and loved at home, regardless of his performance or his score. It has removed any trace of competition from within our relationship. We are free to be who we are and can trust we are accepted just that way. My submission allows him to be the amazing husband he is. And the amazing husband he is inspires me to submit. It is a beautiful circle.


6. What has helped you develop the ‘hidden person of the heart’ – the inner beauty, character – that Peter describes in verse 4?

This question automatically brings Captivating to mind. This is certainly something that I continue to battle.

It’s not just the desire for an outward beauty, but more – a desire to be captivating in the depths of who you are. … a rare and beautiful depth of spirit…. Her soul is Alive. And we are drawn to her. (p16-17)

And this is what it is like to be with a woman at rest, a woman comfortable in her feminine beauty. She is enjoyable to be with. She is lovely. In her presence, your heart stops holding its breath…

And this is also why a woman who is striving is so disturbing, for a woman who is not at rest in her heart says to the world, “All is not well.”” (p38)

That word ‘striving’ has remained with me since reading that passage. I think that is what we are taught as little girls, especially ones who grow up in less than ideal homes. Strive, and you will succeed. You will get out of here. Just Strive! And it is that striving that stifles out the femininity.

Trying to abandon striving is now a passion of mine. We’ve all known women who just drew us in. Just their presence made an impression. You just wanted to sit and breathe them in. They made you calm. They made you content. They made you feel good about you. And in every instance I can recall, they were devoid of any striving.

And really, if I think about it, striving and submission are in great conflict with each other. I cannot really be submitting if I am also striving. They are opposing forces. And letting go of one, makes the other much easier to achieve.